Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I did not marry a roomba.
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