Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm too high and old for this...
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