I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
