Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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