My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
