The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
