I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
