there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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