I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
