I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I want her autograph on my taint
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
