There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
