if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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