Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
