Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
