Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
