Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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