i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
