I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
