in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I have already put on my inside pants.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
