Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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