Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
