i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
How's work?
Spinning.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
