So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
