then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
