my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
