Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
