I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
