how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
