my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
