Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize