It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
