Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I want her autograph on my taint
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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