Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
