Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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