If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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