I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
