Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
