I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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