You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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