I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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