I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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