If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
