I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
