then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
