the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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