I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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