His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
