i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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