grandma shit on top of the toilet
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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