nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
