i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
