if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
