ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
