Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
