bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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