i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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