I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
